how to achieve happiness

Happiness is a state of mind. Although certain circumstances can’t help but affect you, the decision to laugh or cry remains yours to be made. So instead of drowning in sorrow, why not teach yourself how to become a happy person? Turning your frown upside down comes with a lot of benefits. Having a more positive outlook can drastically change your life! You’ll feel the change as you wake up each morning or even while working in the office. If you want to know how to become a happy person, read on! 1) Update Your Playlist.Music has always had an effect on our mood. If you want to teach yourself how to become a happy person, start with the kind of songs you have in your playlist. Skip the sad, melodramatic or angst-filled music. Instead, put on some really fun tunes to help jump start your morning. Keep your playlist happy and upbeat to encourage the same feelings in yourself. Some good songs to sing along include the Beatles’ Here Comes the Sun, U2’s Beautiful Day and Bob Marley’s Sun is Shining.2) Appreciate Beauty.Beauty is all around us. There’s beauty in the sky, in nature and even in other people… A proven way on how to become a happy person is by learning to appreciate beauty in all its magnificent forms. When you feel stressed out from a two-hour long meeting, simply look up at the brilliant blue of the sky and allow your frustrations to dissolve. Or if you have time to visit your local museum, do so. Appreciating beauty invokes feelings of contentment inside us. It’s like a two-minute wonder massage. As famous clergyman Henry Ward Beecher said, “The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things.” 3) Spread Happiness.Here’s another effective way on how to become a happy person - make other people happy as well. Call it karma or whatever you want, but happiness does have a habit of coming back to you. How do you spread happiness? You don’t always have to do big favors for other people (although that thought is welcome). Sometimes, it’s in the little things like donating to charity, offering to cook dinner tonight, or even in giving words of encouragement. Spreading happiness uplifts your spirit, and is one of the best ways on how to fill your life with joy and peace. So you see… It’s quite easy to teach yourself how to become a happy person. All it takes is a light change of routine and you’ll be sporting a smile in no time.
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why couple fight?

The Near and Far Solution is an innovative method of solving power struggles for couples. Near and Far define two opposite styles of using power and authority to solve problems and make decisions. Once understood, either person in the relationship can intentionally make power shifts that solve conflicts, often immediately. The long term effect is a transformation of your love relationship that is both emotional and spiritual in nature. The Near-Far Solution uses a three stage methodology for this transformation. This article focuses on Stage 1: Reflection.Are you Near or are you Far? Near and Far is a continuum for power sharing. At one end of the scale is Far. Far is quite independent. He or she prefers to do their own thing. Far does not want others to get too involved in their decisions. At the same time, Far does not want to get too involved in what others are deciding either. “You decide your thing and I’ll decide mine,” is how they behave, even if they don’t say so. At the other end of the scale is Near. Near is interdependent. Near likes to get involved in what others are doing, and likes others to get involved in what they are doing. “I’ll help you and you help me,” is their mantra. Near is willing to exercise power and authority over others, which feels controlling to Far. Far doesn’t want to exercise power over others, which feels uninvolved to Near.Near and Far marry each other. Research by experts such as noted psychotherapist and best-selling author Harville Hendrix (Getting the Love You Want), explains why. Near is chasing Far. Far is being chased by Near. Each is trying to resolve love wounds created in childhood by the way each was parented. Far was over-attended and over-controlled in childhood. Far doesn’t want to be scrutinized in marriage. Near was under-attended and under-controlled. Near doesn’t want to be ignored in marriage. Yet, they marry each other anyway because unconsciously, each represents love as they knew it as a child. In the beginning of the relationship, this feels safe and romantic love blossoms. However, problems soon arise. Firstly, because of the opposite nature of each, Near and Far become the root cause of the struggles in a marriage. it is a difficult, often life-long struggle because each comes at the expense of the other. It is impossible to be both Near and Far at the same moment in time! Therefore, Near inherently feels controlling to Far and Far feels inherently disengaged to Near. This dilemma of Near and Far has led to many divorces and much heartache.In the diagram to the right, the bars between Near and Far represent decision-making power. The upper red bar is Near and the lower blue bar is Far. The longer the bar, the more power that partner is claiming. Since there can only exist 100% decision-making power, each has a share of the power to decide how to spend the money, make love, buy a house, parent the children, choose what colour to paint the kitchen and so on. This creates a “power ratio” for each decision such as 20:80, 50:50 or 100:0.Far-Far works because Far has a lot of power and Near has only a little. Their decision-making power is in balance. The same is true with Near-Near. Near exercises much power over Far and Far accepts this. The problems start in the third level of the diagram with Far-Near where Far wants a lot of power and so does Near! Their power bars overlap and conflict will be heated, not unlike fighting over who controls the TV remote. Near-Far also creates problems. Neither person wants to make a decision so nothing happens. The relationship becomes stuck while each waits for the other to take more initiative. At the center of these conflicts lies one key question: Whose space is it? Is the colour of the kitchen mine or yours? Is my body mine to decide or yours? Is how the children are disciplined my space or yours? Fogginess about space causes fights since each feels it is their right to enforce or avoid decisions.Secondly, it is Near’s job to chase and Far’s job to be chased. Once in a committed relationship, Near actively pursues Far for time and attention. Far actively resists being caught. This game of chaser and chasee marks the dynamics of most marriages. Most interesting is that when dating, people tend to portray the opposite of what they really are. Far chases Near and Near plays hard to get in the very beginning. That soon changes as things get serious. Eventually, if Near gets tired of chasing the uncatchable Far, the relationship settles into the Far zone. Alternatively, if Near is successful in getting the higher level of control he or she wants, the relationship will settle into the Near zone. Either way, one solution to solving conflict is to settle in one zone. However, this inevitably leads to one partner feeling a growing resentment that can destroy the relationship.Thirdly, the Near-Far chase causes the family unit to become dominantly Near or Far. Just like business organizations, a Near or Far culture settles into each family. In the early years of a marriage, the struggle for dominance is evident. The conflict becomes weary and the comfort zone of the most committed person wins the day. As a result, Far families have little or no conflict and low involvement in each other’s lives. On the other hand, Near families are likely to have open conflict and a high level of involvement in each other’s lives. Compare your family of origin to your in-laws to see this reveal itself. In addition, look at the generational pattern in your family. Near and Far appear to alternate by generation, resulting in grandchildren being more similar to grandparents and the opposite of their parents when they grow up.Fourthly, Far is more likely to win out over Near. This is because every human being has the power to shut people out (keep them Far). Sullen teens can sometimes be vivid examples of this. However, no one can truly force their way into the lives of others (be Near to them). However, this doesn’t stop Near-types from using significant power and authority reinforcers (like anger) to win this struggle. This can result in Far reluctantly allowing their Near partner to have a high share of power in decision-making.Fifthly, I have observed that people are often the opposite at home than they are at work. The Near person at work is Far at home and the Far person at work is Near at home. Not always but often. This makes sense because of a person’s perception of risk with other people. Near at home feels safe controlling other family members, but at work may feel the risk is too high and will let others do their own thing to avoid conflict, working quite solo. Far at home may feel it is not safe to let others get involved in his/her life, but at work does feel more confident. This is likely because of the more rational and functional aspects of work life compared to home life. Finally, the driving force behind why people are Near or Far at home is the same as at work – risk. Far manages risk by doing his or her own thing, keeping one’s spouse at a distance. Near manages risk by trying to get Far to do things the “right” way! Confusion sets in because Far appears controlling but it is often their own space they control. Near is often the angry one, criticizing Far as a means to get them to do things their way. Confusion sets in over who is controlling whom. The solution almost always begins with identifying whose space it is. Is it my dirty sink or yours? The Near-Far Solution solves this by using a driver-passenger metaphor. The driver is the owner and the passenger is the influencer. Deciding these roles is half the Near-Far Solution. Deciding how much power the driver has to do it his or her own way completes the Solution.As people mature in their skills, confidence and life experiences, they sometimes realize that they are different at work than at home. They feel the inauthenticity within themselves. They want to become the same person in public as in private. This is healthy but will definitely cause others to react and adjust to these changes in how the person shares power and authority at work or at home. When it happens at home, it can lead to significant relationship changes that are good in the long run but can be very turbulent in the short run.The Near-Far Solution smoothes these relationship changes by making each partner conscious of their role in creating hot and heavy power struggles or cold and distant power vacuums. Either partner can shift their own power more near or more far and immediately end any conflict. This is Stage 2: Behaviour Change, where solutions become tangible and real. Stage 3 is Attitude Change. This is where an understanding and acceptance of one’s own pain and that of the other bears fruit. Thus completes what is often a five year or longer emotional and spiritual transformation of your love relationship.

source:http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/nearfar_solution_why_couples_fight_and_what_do.html

Time will never heal the wounds, but healing takes time

We often hear an expression telling us "let the time heals all wounds", but what is really happening ? Time will always pass, and sometimes it passes so quickly, but in fact time can never heal the wound. Healing process is actually an active process and not a passive process.

For example when we are wounded but we did not do anything to heal that wound, maybe we did not sterilize the wound then give it some medicine and take a good care of it, it will become worse, or even start to decay. When this happen, its going to take more time and efforts to heal the wound , and there is a possibiliti of an infection. But in the end, it will be cured, and definitely will leave a scar.
When our feelings, souls or minds are wounded, it feels like being ripped, very painfully. It felt worse than when our body being wounded. That wound might healed, but who know what lies beneath ? Will we be totally healed, or we just buried our angers, our fears, hate and doubts within ourselves temporarily ?
Actually, healing and medicating are two different concepts. Healing is more like a spiritual thought, while medicating is related to the medical actions. Healing is an active process, it won't be happen by itself. We have to be involved actively within the process of healing. Healing is a gift that we give to ourselves when we decided to stay open to anything that can destroy us.

On the pain management method, which is often practiced to patients who are being injured, all patients were taught not to fight the pain, instead of to be more relax and let the pain exists as the natural effect of wounds. The basic of this method is if we fight the pain, it will become worse. If only we could be more calm, and take some deep breath continuously to make our bodies more relax and let go off the pain, the pain will find its own place and move freely, and finally the pain will vanish by itself faster.
The pain exists to let us know that there is something wrong is happening inside our bodies. It also warn us the possibility of danger. Our best friend used to say sometimes the pain is good for us, it reminds us that we are still alive. It might be true.
It also works for our emotional, our spiritual, our mental and our physical wounds. When the pain talks to us, we should listen to it. What we have to do is actually just paying attentions to that pain, so when it comes, we are ready for any possibilities, we remember how to take a deep breath and be more relax. We don’t want to fight that pain, but we want to learn something from it.
Time will never heals the wounds, but healing takes time. Give yourself a time as a gift, to be more complete. If we could open ourselves for pain, we also could open ourselves for loss. We open our heart widely, and we will have a bigger heart to accept more beautiful opportunities which were offered by life.
We can get what we have lost if we could close our sore minds and our wounded heart. But we can only get what we can lose in the future if we did not give ourselves time to heal the wounds. As Carly Simon used to say, "There are more spaces in a wounded heart."

loVe...

All of us definetely want to love and be love. But, some of us still have so much problems doing so. They even do not know what a healthy relationship ...